Monday, July 1, 2013

back to the blog

It's been so long since I have been on here that I actually had to think real hard to remember my password.  But all in all here I am feeling the pull to pursue this journey again of writing the things God is showing me on my path to Seeking Him First.  Truth is I have been in a bit of a funk.  I have been wrestling with God about my life.  About where he has me and what he is doing with me. I moved here to Michigan because my husband wanted to go back to where he was from.  It is not my place of choice.  I am a laid back Southern girl at heart who enjoys warm weather.  Michigan is obviously no in the south, it's not warm, and I would not quite call it laid back.  I have just struggled terribly ever since we got here. It is just a place like none other I have ever been.  You almost can't explain it unless you have experienced it.  People here are always in a hurry, very often grumpy, they are over worked, over spent and while many are very nice, many are not.  There are Christians here, but something about this place just never seems to feel like home to me. 

If I had the choice I would be out of here in a second. Where would I go?  Well honestly I don't know but it would definitely be somewhere sunny. warm and with water.  I think my first pick would be Virginia.  I love that area.  It is the one place that feels like home.  My husband and I actually met there.  I then left and followed him around during his Air Force Career.  We lived in some really great places and I wouldn't give back that experience for the world, but always felt like I would end up back in Virginia again one day.  But I didn't.   My husband retired form the Air Force and here in Michigan is where we stayed. 

Is my husband happy here?  I think so.  Is the rest of my family happy?  Well, they are resilient so I think they would be happy anywhere.  Which is I guess how I should be.  Am I happy here?  Unfortunately I would have to say no.  In fact it is a CONSTANT battle for me that just never seems to get any better. My heart just longs to be somewhere else.  I know that feeling is wrong.  Or at least I think it is.  I know God calls me to be content, but then on the other hand I don't understand how to be content and yet deal with the desires of my heart.  Should I follow the desires of my heart?  Well in this case I guess I can't unless it means I sinfully go against my husband.  So that leaves me where?  I guess I am still trying to figure that out. 

Maybe I am supposed to die to this dream of how my life should be.  After all, if I am living for Christ shouldn't I be laying down my life anyway? Dying to myself and my own desires?  I'm just not there.  I want to be though.  Am I really seeking God first?  If I am then why can I not be content with where he has placed me?  I need His help, that's the only thing I know for sure. 

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