I've been reading this book for the past few weeks called Anything by Jennie Allen. It is an amazing book about completely surrendering to a life serving God. About giving up our own desires for more of God's and agreeing to do anything. It has been really challenging me and through it the Lord has been digging deep inside of me exposing areas of my life where I have been self seeking and empty. Challenging me to let him take hold, fearlessly agreeing to let him do anything in me and with me. This means giving up comfortable, safe and happy. It means giving up my own desires for His desires for me. Its been a hard read but a life changing one for me.
In the book Anything Jennie mentions several times another book called Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis the funny thing about this is that one of my best friends has been reading that book and just told me a few weeks ago that I really have to read it. For me that was confirmation that I was meant to read that next.
I read most of my books on my tablet through either Nook or Kindle apps, but because my husband has been a little less than happy with my money management lately I decided to honor him and not jump right on and buy it like I normally do when I am super excited about a book. We have a wonderful library system in the county we live in and by just going on line and searching their data base I can almost always find any book I'm looking for and even if its at another library miles away in Michigan I can have it delivered right to my own library for me to pick up. So that's what I did and yesterday the library notified me that my book was in. I was so excited. The only thing I DONT like about this is that now I can't highlight and mark up all the pages like I do in my own books or on my tablet. I am only past the first chapter and already if this was MY book it would be tore up with ink and highlighter!
As you know yesterday I wrote about just one of my life's disappointments I have been struggling through. And when I say just one.....trust me, the Lord has been pulling out all kinds of junk out of me over the past few weeks. The one I wrote about yesterday really is just a drop in the bucket, but I am trusting that the Lords mercy is just peeling away one little layer at a time as to not let it hurt to much all at once. So after I wrote out my struggle and some of the honest questions I had about how I was to be content with whatever God has given me, I just prayed for the Lord to show me how to deal with it all. Asking Him to speak to my heart and help me to understand. Well I prayed that yesterday morning about this time, and he didn't even let me go to bed that night without an answer. He is so faithful.
As I started my new book Kisses from Katie, a girl over a decade younger than me had the answer at the young age of just 19. I didn't even make it through the introduction before my questions about my contentment were answered. This is what she said..."For as long as I can remember my favorite Bible verse has been Psalm 37:4 'Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart' I used to believe it meant that if I did what the Lord asked of me, followed his commandments, and was a "good girl", He would grant me all my desires and make my dreams come true. Today it is still one of my favorite passages of scripture, but I have learned to interpret it in a totally different way. It is not about God making my dreams come true but about God changing my dreams into His dreams for my life."
There is was....my answer. All this time I have been holding on to my own dreams. Longing for the things I want. Fantasizing about my ideal place to live, my perfect family, my lovely Christ like children, a picture book marriage, my happy life, just the way I want it. Yearning for the desires of my heart. Desires that I put there. Instead of asking the Lord to put His desires in my heart.
His desires for me will always prevail whether I am lined up with them or not. But if His desires and my desires are not lined up, then that is where there is disappointment. That is where I will find discontent. I'm ashamed of my selfish desire for my plan. As I read this book I am seeing a young girl who let God change her dreams into His dreams for her life. She is filled with joy and watching God work as she "delights herself in the Lord" by doing what He asks of her. Can I do the same thing? Can I accept where God has me and trust him for every single step I take every single day of my life. Can I give up my own wants and my own "vision" for my life? It is so hard. But I am trusting him. And from this day forward I am delighting myself in him, not in my own dreams.
I know God did not place me here on this earth to enjoy myself, to have fun and to be comfortable. If I truly am a believer in God's Word then I know that I was placed here to fulfill God's purposes. To love Him and love others through Him. I need to strip all that is entangling me and run this race. I have been so far behind and I didn't even know it.
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